My son is 15 and in his first serious relationship. Since the homebirth of my younger son that he was present for, we have always have always had open and easy communication about health, body, feelings, masterbation, sex, etc. As this relationship has gotten more serious we had a very specific conversation about sex and why I thought he was not ready. He asked what I thought would be “normal”, safe and age appropriate for them right now. I was shocked to find I was at a loss. These conversations have always come so easily, but I don’t know the answer to this question other than I don’t think they should have full on sex yet. So anything with hands? Oral? And I really don’t want to google “teen male sex alternatives”!!! Most literature I see on the subject is geared toward girls. Any advice for a hippie Doula mom trying to raise a sensitive, well informed son would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
I think this is a question that comes up often. Even if you are the most affirming, informative and supportive parent there are chances that you are going to be hit with a curveball every now and again. Before we get into all the meat and potatoes as they say. I commend you for you supporting your young human as they are navigating this crazy thing called life. When I talk to young adults and or adolescents I never try and give them ideas on what they can do instead. I like to talk about emotional intelligence as well as values before anything else. I like to share that they are the only ones that truly know what they are ready to engage in things sexually. But, that when they do decide to have sexual contact with another to make sure it is something that both individuals want. That there is ample amounts of communication and understanding. That a kiss is just a kiss unless further conversation happens. And like I said I also like to look at values. What are things that are important to you(your son)? What type of connections are important? Allowing them to set up things that make them feel seen, supported and heard is extremely helpful. I would say it is ok to share that you do not think that they are emotionally ready to engage in full intercourse. But, reminding them that you are there to support them. I say this because it is shown that pushing abstinence is not the best for adolescents. But, instead being honest with them about things and letting them know that abstinence is an option. As you have stated you are able to talk with your son, have a conversation about safer sex practices. So that when he does have sexual contact with another at least he is fully informed on how to keep himself and the other person safe.
Jimanekia Eborn is a “trauma doula” and sex educator specializing in working with those who have experienced sexual assault, adolescents and the LGTBQ+ community. Check her out here!
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